From the Heart
Let me share what my heart secretly wants:
I enjoy aspects of the city, but the country style life is absolutely me. My dream living environment would be small peaceful town, yet under an hour from a major city. I would want a tiny two bedroom home that had exterior paint of either sage green, pale yellow, or just plain white with black accent trims. Metal roof, ideal. That home would be warm and inviting. I would have friends and neighbors over…. But more so it would be full of laughter from little children and -before children- a husband. Outside peonies and daffodils would fill the air with beautiful aromas. Maybe you would hear a cluck of a chicken or meow of a kitty. Weekends would be spent outdoors with friends/family.
My life would be “perfect.”
I know it may seem silly, but I’ve always dreamed of a life like that. Honestly, I don’t know if it would make me happy. But my joy would never be complete, knowing where I am supposed to be right now. Over the years, my heart has had many desires and has felt entitled to many things… But today I chewed over those wants and desires -once more- and came to the realization -once again- how how insignificant those things are compared to knowing HIM and living a life full of HIM. Following Him where He leads.
With trying to go back to the Mid. East, I’ve really been trying to prepare for the culture there. The darkness. The lostness. Reminding myself of the difficult times and try to better prepare my heart. My heart is so full of wants, desires, and non-essential things. I do not think those desires, hopes, and dreams are “bad” or “sinful.” But, I’ve come to realize -again- that there is a desire that must come absolutely before all else, because nothing will ever compare to knowing HIM and regardless of the life I think I want, He is the only life I want and need to have.
As I was reminding myself of all the difficult times overseas, I remembered a moment of joy. A moment that my heart was just so full:
After hiking and hiking in the sun (literally baking), we reached the top of some caves. We sought shelter in the shade and felt the cool air around us. Looking out we could see our city: lost, dark, confused, hopeless, and lingering under the memories of war.
For weeks and months, we have whispered His name… Spoke quietly of His power and secretly told our friends stories from the Word…
My heart struggled. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed, especially listening to the call to prayer silence the noise of the city.
But my co-worker cupped his hands and yelled out HIS name as loud as he could. We heard it echo into the cave, bounce off the stone walls, and linger on still through the country side.
In that moment, my heart felt full to the brim with joy and was happy in a way it has not often been. Unleashed.
It was beautiful.
And to shout His name was the only desire I had. If only I could have done it on my rooftops or through the city streets…
Today my heart wants many things… And like I said, I do not believe those things are inherently bad. Still… My heart wants insignificant things, things that are good -but not what I need,- things that might not be mine to ever have. So many things fill my heart and try to cloud my mind… But this I know for sure:
Above all else and before all the other “names” of things I want in my heart… His name is before all. I need to remind myself this day-to-day, hour-by-hour, and even sometimes moment-by-moment. My life isn’t about my happiness or my secret longings, it is about picking up my cross daily and following Him.
Even if it means traveling to the darkest places and to the ends of the Earth.
Only He matters.
Only in Him is my joy complete.
Only in Him is my heart whole and full.
Only for Him alone am I live
Only through Him alone I live, move, and breath.