Unsatisfied

by meganjazelle

I don’t know what I ever expected my life here to be like. Packed with excitement and glamor? Glamor? Ha! None of my days are! Excitement? Sometimes.

Today I spent my Friday night cleaning –which I normally do. I got on my hands and knees and attempted to scrub clean my floor… I removed old and failing caulking and re-caulked my sinks and the toilet. I vacuumed and rearranged. And still I am unsatisfied. So much to be done…

At nearly two am I stop, knowing I will be losing daylight hours sleeping in -I’m not to go out past “dark” and sunset comes swiftly at 5:05 pm. I need to be wiser with my time, something I always remind myself. I guess you can say I am trying to become a good steward.

I lie down and, after reeling in my mind about how unsatisfied I am with my home, I evaluate my life and who I am.

Unsatisfied.

I feel unsatisfied with literally everything.

Now I am convinced that my obsession with my house is culture shock. I want to have some control over my environment, so I clean, redecorate, and rearrange. Over and over and over…

But my life?

Let’s face it.

I am unworthy.

There’s nothing special about me. Nothing extraordinary. Just an imperfect girl…

Then I think about where I am. How much I’ve changed. Where this journey of 22 years has taken me…

I’m captivated and have to stand in awe. In the midst of my unworthiness and in every single one of my failings, imperfections, and shortcomings, He is there and not finished with me yet. I see His fingerprints all over my life…

Shaping, molding, and changing me… Over and over and over.

Why am I unsatisfied? I’m focusing inward and on myself. Time to refocus and be satisfied in Him, His plan, His will. He alone is worthy, therefore let everything I am and do magnify Him.

In the seemingly mundane.

In the simplicity.

In every intentional moment.

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